Who wants to see a certifiably insane man play the part of Hamlet in a school recital?

My great-uncle once took a bat to a man’s head for calling his woman a “sorry excuse for a monkey.” He didn’t manage to kill him as the man was wearing a football helmet at the time. However, he did cause some extensive brain damage, which ironically made the man think he was a monkey. Now, some of you may think this to be justified, and I certainly should think so, however I don’t. I don’t because at the time this happened, my great-uncle was in fact married to a female chimp named Sasha. Further, the man called Sasha a “sorry excuse for a monkey” because she spoke ill of her own kind. To add to it all, she wasn’t even invited to the party.

The party was a high class affair put together by one Theodore Sinclair, a wealthy man form old Britain. He was a great fan of botanists and had in fact made this party in order to honor them. Inviting all of the botanists in the country to his mansion – one of them being my great-uncle. Mr. Sinclair had in mind to make this a gentleman’s evening, and thus he suggested that the botanists leave their respected spouses at home. All of the men did, my great-uncle, being a newlywed didn’t. He wanted to spend as much time with Sasha as he possibly could.

Mr. Sinclair was not thrilled to see Sasha, but he allowed them to stay upon realizing how much it meant to my great-uncle for her to be there. After an uncertain number of glasses of wine, and at a vague hour, one of the botanists and Sasha began talking about monkeys. The botanist in question was a James Windsor, the very man who would have his head beaten within the hour. I’d wager that Sasha and Mr. Windsor stumbled upon the topic of monkeys due largely to the fact that Sasha was a monkey, however, that may not have been the case.

Whatever the reason, the topic came about and was discussed at length. Mr. Windsor, having supposedly began the discussion, stated that he found the monkey to be one of the better mammals. He praised their free spirit, and wished that he possessed such freedom to pick up his own excrement and throw it at a passerby. He mentioned their agility as well, explaining that at times he’d dream about swinging from branch to branch and feeling his hair flow in the wind. This was a peculiar statement as Mr. Windsor was in fact bald.

Sasha, having taken the con side of the argument, decided to point out some of the negative attributes of her kind. She found that people agreeing on things tend to be boring, and usually took the opposite side of an argument. She was an experienced debater, in fact, she was the leader of the debate team at a rather prominent University in the United States of America. Thus she, realizing that Mr. Windsor took the pro side of the monkey debate, immediately sided with the con.

She pointed out how vulgar the monkey is, how she could never imagine throwing her own excrement, much less picking it up. She also explained that only a base creature with a limited understanding could derive pleasure from swinging on trees. She then explained that the monkey was in fact the second biggest mistake God had made in his creating of the universe. She mentioned that the hair was ill-placed, and that it took her hours to wax it all and make herself look presentable. Some believe that that particular statement was what drove Mr. Sinclair over the edge. He, despite being a perfect gentleman most of the time, could not hold back his tongue, and before he knew what had happened he had said “You do your kind a great injustice, you madame are a sorry excuse for a monkey – if not the sorriest I’ve ever seen.”

Unfortunately for Mr. Windsor my great-uncle happened to come by at that exact point in time, and upon hearing what he had said to his wife, my great-uncle went upstairs to look for a weapon with which to hurt Mr. Windsor. He happened to come across a baseball bat, which he picked up and carried back with him. You know the rest.

You may be wondering how it came to be that Mr. Windsor was wearing a football helmet at the time of the attack. Well, he had suffered a number of epileptic seizures, during which he had hurt his head. His doctor thus decided that it might be a good idea for him to wear protection, he thought that a football helmet would do the job. And it did help with the falling, however, it wasn’t able to fully withstand the repeated blows to Mr. Windsor’s head.

In conclusion, my great-uncle played the part of Hamlet in a school recital. He was the only adult in the play, and managed to get a standing ovation at the end of it all.

-Jakob Lint