This is a grand task and a great responsibility. I will do what I can to save the lives of strangers, and entertain the masses (for what is life without entertainment?).

I shall begin work on this piece shortly.

Last night I got a call from my dear friend Ian (and I say Ian because my friend has this hangup about his name – he doesn’t like to use his real name, or for it to be used. He says it’s because names don’t matter; that they aren’t important, but I think he’s full of shit, in this case at least. Because if names don’t matter than why change them in the first place. Why bother with them if they’re not important? The poor kid worries me sometimes. But anyways.) My friend Ian called me yesterday and we had a discussion about rape.

When this discussion began I had a firm grip on the term rape, I felt I knew what it was. However, the longer we talked the blurrier the term became. I am now at a point where I don’t think I can define rape, not correctly anyways. What I need to do is find a suitable definition to work with, for I fear there would be dire political and social consequences if I used such a term inappropriately. I fear I would be cast out of my wonderful village and left to die in the wilderness – where I may possibly be raped by a horny beaver.

That being said. I seems to me, based on your ideas, that you are more qualified to write this piece. I think you could pull it off, assuming you have a suitable definition, without much trouble. Also, being that you are a female, you may have an easier time coming up with a believable female rapist.

I realize it may be a lot to ask of you, to save the world and all, but if you find some free time I encourage you to write this piece. No pressure or anything, what’s a couple billion lives anyways. Think about it.

-Jakob

If anyone can pull that off, Mr. Lint, it is you.

Infuse the first sexual assault with giggling and awkward fumbling.

Have it happen in a Smartcar parked outside a Daycare centre, or a petshop. Also, try not to make it overt rape. Perhaps go for, “oops, are you trying fuck me?” sex. It’s difficult, but possible. Make some excuses for the rapist, like nymphomania (a disease in women, a natural state of being in men – historically speaking, at least). Perhaps she’s compelled to rape when she hears Lionel Richie songs on the radio?

The possibilities are endless.