How old is your husband’s sperm?

It ran for two decades on one of the lesser known stations. It never got a huge audience but it did develop a cult following. Swarms of middle-aged women met every Friday to watch the show and drink a moderately alcoholic beverage. They found that a middle-aged man who was concerned with his sperm was just the cutest thing.

As it were, Mr. Koontz, the main character of the show found out that sperm age. They, if left in the scrotum, grow old. Having grown old himself, he found he could relate to them, and thus decided that he would keep them alive as long as he could. He knew what that meant, no sex and no masturbation indefinitely. He did not care much for masturbation, so that was not a problem. What caused the drama, and a lot of the humor in the show, was the not having sex.

Mr. Koontz’s wife recently awakened her libido in one of her knitting classes, and wanted him to please her reborn desires. What made it worse was that both of their children had recently moved away leaving them alone at all times of the day. As you can imagine Mr. Koontz’s maneuvering caused a great deal of amusement for the middle-aged women, as they chatted about how sly or inventive he was that particular week. And of course, they all eagerly anticipated the day when Mrs. Koontz would finally get her way.

Eventually, thanks to his loving wife, Mr. Koontz came to terms with his own mortality and thus accepted death as a natural part of life. This allowed him to get over his preoccupation with the age of his sperm. Yes, the epiphany came on the day of his wife’s funeral. His fear of death disappear, much like his wife’s coffin, beneath the ground. That night, in an empty house, Mr. Koontz performed, what at that time was the first recorded masturbation session on a television show. It opened many doors for future shows to come.

The reason I bring this up is this: A couple of days ago I once again mis-dialed a number, confusing a 6 and a 9. A woman answered, and once I realized it was the wrong number, I apologized and proceeded to ask her the question I always ask “How old is your husband’s sperm?” As you can imagine she was perplexed and inquired “Well, what in heaven’s name do you mean?” “His sperm, how old is it?” I repeated. “I wouldn’t know, you will have to ask him, good night sir.”

I couldn’t help but feel bad. It seemed as though I had made her uncomfortable, something I did not intend. I want to apologize to you unknown lady. I hope you don’t hold it against me. The question is simply a reference to the show. In the second decade it was a question that Mrs. Koontz would get asked by her friends on each episode. A question to which she would respond “Older than our kids, Susan, older than our kids.”

This was a line one of the writers thought up simply because he wanted to use a hyperbole in his writing. A term he had heard about during the tenth year of the show. He regretted not being able to use the actual word in the quote itself. He took six months to think of a way, and there simply wasn’t one that would work with the show. So he settled on the line said above.

Thus, if you happen to answer the phone and someone asks you that question, don’t hold it against him, rather reply with “Older than our kids, Susan, older than our kids.” Or if you can think of another hyperbole that would be appropriate I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

(side note: sometimes i confuse he and me, if such is the case above: i am sorry)

Jakob Lint